things i like most about my job

i get good health care

diane and leslie (fellow SPED IA's)

raechel's hugs

johann's drawings

kelvin's tall towers built out of blocks

soren's friendliness towards everyone (and counting ability)

lillie's singing and independence in putting away her stuff

ytany's help

dianna's concern for those who are crying

devon's humor

coleman's tall tales

coffee during bus duty

talking to theresa

seeing the sunrise

getting off by 3:30

when valerie and i can laugh together

interacting with the gen ed students

play time

student success at something they are working really hard on

things i hate most about my job

i hate that i have nowhere i can go to be alone in the building
i hate how needy my kids are
i hate that i hate how needy my kids are
i hate getting spit on
i hate getting on hands and knees to clean vomit, chocolate milk, or yogurt off of the lunch room floor
i hate waking up so early
i hate seeing my kids fail over and over
i hate getting snot wiped on my nose
i hate making my kids cry
i hate being so exhausted
i hate my inability to give them the attention and help they need
i hate hearing the exhaustion in valerie's voice
i hate hearing valerie say "what a jerk" about one of our kids
i hate not having anyone who knows about what i do all day (who is outside of it) to support me or help me
i hate it that i forget to ask God for help during all of this
i hate being at the end of my rope at the end of every day
i hate not knowing how to do better at my job
i hate that i compromise the integrity of my work in order to make it just a tid bit easier for myself
i hate that i am a failure
i hate that i hope that certain kids will be absent
i hate that i feel like i have no control over so much of the things that compromise my situation

what do i do with all of this? i feel like i have no choice but to bury it deep inside, go to sleep, and wake up hoping that tomorrow is somehow better.