About a week or so ago, I just resigned myself to having an awful July. What is it about this month that gets my hopes up? It's "actually summer" in Seattle after the fourth of July, so I guess I just think I should be having the time of my life, in every moment of every day. It's like a month of perpetual Friday nights. I learned a while back how much I hate Friday nights due to the pressure to have fun. Usually I can't, or don't, because I'm exhausted from the work week. I guess the same goes for this miserable summer. The thing is, I looove summertime. It's my favorite season. I love staying out late, going to outdoor movies, going camping, visiting farmer's markets, etc. The sun cheers me up! But this month has been characterized by challenges, moping, and a hatred of all people out in the world having fun. Some of my barriers include things like having a staph infection, attending 2 weddings, not going on vacation, starting grad school, and working on a big project that is due soon.
So last week I realized, when I took stock of the ingredients that make up my life this month, that I should just give up on having fun. Just totally stop looking forward to anything. Make no plans. Don't anticipate future enjoyment. For some reason, when I allow myself to let go of those desires, I find that I am able to be more present. Sometimes this means I go home the long way, or call a friend to say hi, or just simply sit on the back stoop in the sun, looking at the dog sitting in the garden. I'd rather practice this present resignation rather than get trapped in the frenzied search for fun. I'm going to attempt to prowl around less, hunt for nothing, and be slow. So don't tell me that you hope I have a better August, because it'll probably be about the same as July, but perhaps punctuated by blackberries.
But sometimes one of your favorite people in the world comes to crash at your apartment for the weekend and is accompanied by good music and a new fresh wave of activisty air. :)
