Day 20 of mono. Day 14 of being a shut-in. Day 8 of staying with Mom and Dad. The first few days of sickness, I struggled against being alone. I was very frustrated with my solitude and felt like I was in a wrestling match with my aloneness. Today, I am fighting against being unable to do things. I feel so indignant that a very easy, short field trip utterly exhausts my energy tank. I can hardly bear being so trapped in this straight jacket of fatigue.
I'm trying to take a different posture with the current state of affairs. I'm trying to be self-compassionate, to be my own friend and loving companion. But let me tell you, being grounded and caring and generous with myself is nearly impossible on my good days, let alone when I'm not at my best.
"It’s my job to care for myself. My job to tenderly wash that wound and protect it with things like boundaries and self-care and spiritual practices and lots of patience."
From "Walking, Wounded: On Being Not Okay" a short essay by Sarah Zarr. *sigh* So I'll do my best and fail and pick myself up only to fall down again. And slowly, hopefully, I'll heal.
