a situation

perhaps i am just one of those people
who continually finds themselves
in situations

(every time you see me, my friend, i have an "update"
a new thing to report about them or her or whatever)

what does that mean?
by virtue of being human, we exist constantly in a situation
it's called being alive, yes?
i am not a special person.

conflicted, feeling, holding back.

getting "no" or "not yet" so much these days
makes me perhaps act out irresponsibly in other ways?

so i do things like shave a tiny bit out of my eyebrow
wear a key i found on a ride around my neck
i have no reasons for these things

but i feel they hold meaning regardless
and someday perhaps i will hike a mountain
the path to the top will show me how
the green moss covers all
and time passes over the slumbering world
even when i stay watchful
too watchful
the bold moon shines on
even when i stay bottled
too bottled
the ocean gushes forth

cycle is stuck. stopped in my tracks, i am.
come on, dear blood.

wind, rain, battering the windows
post-midnight rattles of the kerri-mind.
snowstuck and ready for the acceleration of summer.
last winter, my new job got me through
2 winters ago, it was learning to cook
this winter, it's my bike and music

friendly love is all?

arbitrary passage, or hello Y2K12

another day
another year
passing with the hours
slowly when i need speed
quickly when i need slow

what if this turnstile of a day
could bring me newness?
what if i learned to love myself
rather than beating my head against every wall i can find?

seeking the complex
the yellow lights
the not quite complete friendships
i tend to hurt myself or others
but mostly both

never learned to keep my hands to myself
playing by the rules isn't fun
but serenity is what i seek now
and something about my space
strewn with my laundry
tells me that it's here
it's here, in my own life
that i'll find the serenity i need

blah blah blah i am not an interesting person.
trying to remember that there are people in the world who know me VERY WELL. very very well. and care very much about me. so so so much.

where did they all go?
they might know i like french toast, not pancakes (but have recently been questioning that).
they might know that my favorite color is red.
they might know that when i throw a dramatic off-hand comment out about the past, that i need to be asked a question or listened to fully for a few minutes.
they might know that when i run around the block, it's either a BAD sign or a GOOD sign, but never insignificant.
they might know that all it takes is some small moment of humor/attention to get me to talk/out of my mood.
they might know that i always need to talk to get out of a mood. and it helps.
they might know that i write songs in 1-2 song sets, every 3 months or so (and therefore ask me what i wrote this month).
they might know that i want to talk to homeless people all day every day.
they might know that if i allow myself to melt a bit, sleep heals all...

...no idea what i'm saying. just that sometimes i forget those people are out there because i build these stupid walls in search of something a little more novel. perhaps it's time to go back back back to my oldest oldest companions....could use a good dose of deep past love.

too many new everythings these days. no more, please.

for what it's worth, welcome year number two thousand and twelve.